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  • January 27th, 2014

All The News That Isn’t

By Joel M. Vance

The Middle East is in turmoil, so what else is new?  Egypt, land of the Pharoahs and the logo for Camel cigarettes, is seething with violence, Syria Is as dysfunctional as the United States Congress, every other African nation is involved in genocide and even Thailand, home of Anna and the King of Siam, is full of yelling, rock throwing malcontents.  Sounds like the U.S. in the 1960s or the Tea Party in the 2000s.

So it’s nice to know that some news items don’t involve bloodshed.  In fact from my grumpy old standpoint they’re downright funny.

Justin Bieber, the adenoidal poster child for arrested development, is being sued for throwing eggs at the home of a neighbor.  Kids used to TP the trees of a neighbor or, before that, tip over outhouses, but we live in an age of progress.  Oh, yeah, Bieber also is charged with DUI for racing his Lamborghini against a Porsche.  A teenager with a $250,000 car.  Back in Keytesville High School, one boy had a car—a Model A.  So I’m old and cranky. So sue me.

We can only hope that the combined legal problems will make the Bieber but a memory.  Justin Bieber, no matter  how fluttery he makes the hormones of developing girls, is a spoiled brat who would benefit from the paddle that our school superintendent, Mr. Sadler, kept behind his desk.  And no one in our high school drove a Lamborghini.  Most of the farm kids were far more comfortable with a John Deere tractor.  Furthermore, the kid with the Model A got drunk one night and turned it over on Main Street and ran all the way home (three miles) apparently not realizing that the authorities could figure out who owned the abandoned Model A.

When you get as old as I am (God was still in grad school), you remember when teenage heartthrobs were more of a phenomenon and less of a public menace.  Frank Sinatra, who weighed about twelve pounds as a young adult, had girls fainting in the audience when he crooned.  I’m pretty sure he never threw an egg at anyone, although he did throw a few punches over the years.  When he sang, “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” teenage girls broke out in hives.

Elvis likewise caused wet panties among the teenyboppers, but threw no eggs and opted for Cadillacs as opposed to the type of cars that make the Barrett-Jackson auto auction bidders drool like dogs confronted with a steak.  Elvis’s biggest affront to civic propriety was to undulate like a human python in the throes of squeezing a prey animal to death.  Frankie looked soulful; Elvis looked coked, but both essentially were harmless.

Teenage heartthrobs come and go, like mayflies, ephemeral and with only one imperative in their brief lives-to attract willing females for mating.  Mayflies get eaten by trout; heartthrobs get eaten by their fading talent.

Wasn’t long ago that Ricky Martin was the darling of the adolescent girls.  He turned out to be gay which cooled his relationship with the bobby sox crowd.  He did dance with George W. Bush who is not gay, just stupid.  I would have preferred to see him throw eggs at W, although Martin later did have a political epiphany and  gave W the finger, causing consternation among right wing gay people (assuming there are any).

Macaulay Culkin was the darling of the day school set with his “Home Alone” movies.  The movies were funny and he was cute in a wise-ass way, but he failed to make the teenage cut and now labors in obscurity where, one hopes, he will soon welcome the young Mr. Bieber.

Of course we all remember Leonardo DiCaprio (didn’t he drown in the North Atlantic?) because he not only hasn’t been arrested, he hasn’t thrown any eggs or laid any career-wise, and has become a responsible adult.  And he still throbs the heart of the ladies, albeit ones who now are housewives with college degrees.  So it’s not a given that Bieber will drop into well-deserved obscurity.  Maybe he’ll take up Shakespeare and become the next Olivier.  Check your pigs for wings.

Of course there is Britney Spears and her doppelganger Lindsey Lohan who between them could fill the pages of any given supermarket tabloid rag every week for a year.  They aren’t so much heartthrobs as they are heartaches for those who are responsible for them.  Where is Mr. Sadler’s paddle when it’s most needed?

Finally, in the sphere of news that must have originated from someone’s psychotic episode, a group called One Million Moms is braying for the Geico Insurance Company to pull an ad featuring  a Chester White pig named Maxwell who is featured on an apparent date with a good-looking girl. They say the ad promotes bestiality.  One Million Moms, a conservative Christian group, has taken time out from opposing gay rights and abortion to assail dating pigs.  Watch out, Porky, your ass is grass.

The American Family Association, of which the Moms are part, also claims credit for getting Chevrolet to pull a commercial in which the awful word “damn” appeared.  Children, the Moms/Family thundered, would be corrupted by hearing such Godless profanity as well as seeing a pig on a date with a wholesome white girl.  At least she wasn’t dating some black guy or a Jew or, God forbid, an A-rab! And, although I wasn’t about to rush down to the Chevy dealer and trade for a new Silverado, I’ll stick with our geriatric vehicle made by Asian people who once fought us in World War Two.  No credit to Chevy for caving in to these fusty fundamentalists who, in former times, would have been burning witches.

Geico is sticking with their pig and so will I.  Pigs after all are among the more intelligent of animals—certainly smarter than the Moms who are so offended by the thought of one dating their daughters.  I suspect Maxwell would have higher standards than to date one of those Bible banging bigots anyway.

What is scary, once you get through laughing and shaking your head, is that presumably the Moms have kids by definition, and those children will grow up with the same values as their constipated mothers.  One can only hope that One Million Dads are down at the Pig ‘n Whistle Tavern, sucking down a long neck or ten, just to get away from the old lady.

One young woman who, to judge from her photo is very nice looking and I suspect would be rated dateworthy by Maxwell , ranted on a web site, “ I hate that nasty pig. I would like to see him served up with an apple in his mouth rather than out on a date with a human woman. Bestiality is not only disgusting but also against the law and totally immoral.”  Apparently it’s okay to cannibalize Maxwell, the Geico pig, but don’t date him.

The same young woman later posted: “There is nothing funny about that pig. He is annoying and would look much better covered in BQ sauce and served up with some potato salad.”  She seems to have a food fixation and I’d suggest a juicy pulled pork sandwich to cool her jets.

Fundamentalist Christians have been responsible over the ages for the most egregious assaults on humankind this side of the Marquis de Sade.  Remember the Inquisition, the Crusades, the Ku Klux Klan, Hitler’s Final Solution?  Not that other religions are immune from horrendous attacks on those who don’t agree with their warped views of morality, but how do these cramped folks live with themselves?  Their rigid and self-righteous philosophy is so anti-Christian, at least as I understand the professed Christian belief in tolerance, peace and love, that I wonder if their Bible wasn’t written by the Devil as a cruel joke.

And their kids are the ultimate victims.  Like some virulent disease, the sickness of bigotry spreads from parent to child and only occasionally does the rest of the world see how warped these folks are.  It takes a dating pig to bring out the silliness where everyone can see and laugh at it.  But the rest of the time they spread their venom through more insidious crusades.

Meanwhile, this being an early morning rant, I think I’ll cook up some bacon and eggs.  Or maybe country ham.  Take that, Maxwell, you porcine makeout artist you!






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