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  • March 19th, 2012


By Joel M. Vance

                 I have come to the conclusion that Mitt Romney actually is an alien from another planet, like  Beldar, the Dan Ackroyd Conehead character from the planet Remulak on Saturday Night Live.

                How else to explain his weird attempts to seem like a redneck?  When he opened his remarks to a Mississippi crowd by saying “Hi, you all,” it rang just as true as a lead quarter.  And then he followed that by saying he’d had cheesey grits for breakfast (not “cheese grits, which any self-respecting Southerner knows is the correct pronunciation) and they “were delicious.”  I’m surprised he wasn’t wearing a John Deere ball cap, chewing a cud of Red Man and pointing to the blue tick coonhound in the kennel strapped to the roof of his monster wheel pickup. 

                Any voter south of the Mason-Dixon line (hell, south of the North Pole) who would buy that shameless and lame attempt to be a good ol’ boy ought to be euthanized.  Romney the multi millionaire is no more a regular guy than is Angelina Jolie, except she spends her money on good works and is beautiful.  Romney does not spend his money on good works—he shovels it into attack ads.  He does have a nice smile which he works overtime as if it were stapled to his face.  Ken, the Barbie doll stud muffin, is similarly equipped.  Unfortunately, the prime qualification for a President of the United States is not to look like an advertisement for dental health.  It is to show judgment, a quality which Romney demonstrates he does not have every time he opens his mouth in unscripted fashion.

                In a further, futile, foolish attempt to connect with real people, Romney told a group of unemployed Floridians, “”I should tell my story. I’m also unemployed.” Romney is worth more than $200 million.  If anyone shed tears over that sob story, it was for their own dire situation, not his.

                The list of his dumb statements goes on and drearily on.  He makes George W. Bush sound like Winston Churchill by comparison.   Thanks to Mitt we now know that Michigan’s trees are “the right height” which not only is incomprehensible but also incredibly stupid.  Timothy Egan, Pulitzer Prize winner for his wonderful book about the 1930s Dust Bowl The Worst Hard Times writes, “Romney has never been much of an outdoor guy, and strikes me as the kind of person who would wear wingtips on a hike. Once, asked to give a sense of his outdoor cred, Romney said, “I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter — small varmints, if you will.”

                The word “varmint” to describe one of nature’s creatures is insulting, but even if you class rodents as “varmints,” a rabbit is not generally considered as one.  Romney only succeeded in demonstrating he knows hunting like I know venture capital.  Or perhaps he has a secret past life when he was a former beaver trapper, running his trap line in the middle of winter?  Or maybe he spent his hours afield at the city dump shooting rats?  Or maybe he once set a mouse trap in one of his four homes.  Yes, that’s probably it…..

                This is the caring guy who said he’s “not concerned about the very poor,” who said his wife drives a couple of Cadillacs, who offered to bet $10,000 with Rick Perry, who likes “to be able to fire people,” who equates multinational corporations with people, who said his one-year speaker’s fees of nearly $400,000 “weren’t very much.”  There are quite a few very poor people in this country who’d like to kick his rich ass for comments like those.  And he always chuckles after throwing one of these senseless hand grenades, as if inviting everyone to laugh along with his muddleheadedness. 

                We all know his views are as consistent as Missouri weather (“Don’t like it—wait a minute and it’ll change”).  First he said he opposed the ill-conceived Roy Blunt amendment which would allow employers to deny coverage for just about any woman’s health care on “moral or religious grounds” but within hours he’d done a highway patrol top speed U-turn and said he favored it.  Didn’t understand the question, he claimed.  That’s probably true—he doesn’t understand much of anything.  The Blunt amendment was offered by a Neanderthal United States senator whose concept of woman’s role is that she be dragged by the hair back into the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant (God forbid that she would consider contraception).

                It’s no less than a war on women, widely endorsed by the right wing.  Mitt vows to “get rid” of Planned Parenthood, much of which deals with women’s health and not contraception or abortion.  At least three Republican woman politicians have broken ranks with their macho breast-thumping male counterparts to oppose Blunt’s antediluvian proposal.  Romney’s pandering to this stupid idea should earn him an against-vote from every woman visiting the November polling places.

                A decade ago he said, “”I think people recognize that I’m not a partisan Republican, that I’m someone who is moderate, and that my views are progressive.”  Now he’s trying to be the darling of the Tea Party, so right wing he’s just short of calling himself Joe the former Mitt Plumber.  Come on, y’all, this guy flip flops more than a fresh-caught carp. 

                Channeling the linguistically-challenged George W. Bush, Romney babbled this gem early in the year: “”I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”  Little Georgie could only pause in his brush-cutting down there in Texas, his mouth open in admiration. 

                Want more?  There’s an almost bottomless well.  CNN talking head Wolf Blitzer commented about his first name, “yes, that’s my real name,” to which the Mittster riposted, “I’m Mitt Romney and  yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”   Turns out that his first name is Willard, not Mitt which is his middle name.  He didn’t blurt out “Beldar,” though….but we know different, don’t we?

                As if rubbing his wealth in folks’ faces wasn’t enough, he commented to some NASCAR fans wearing cheap plastic ponchos, “”I like those fancy raincoats you bought. Really sprung for the big bucks.”  This was after he identified himself as a NASCAR fan by saying some of his friends were NASCAR owners.  I doubt he numbers either any of the pit crews or fans wearing those fancy plastic raincoats among his social circle.  And how about his comment on a sports call-in show that he has a couple of friends who own NFL teams (presumably just like the couch potato Joe Sixpack types who populate the Sunday pro brawls every fall and winter). 

                This plutocratic pap has even rubbed off on Romney’s wife: “I don’t even consider myself wealthy, which is an interesting thing, it can be here today and gone tomorrow.”  Perhaps being worth $250 million is not wealthy on Remulak, but it’s pretty far up the income scale in the country her husband wants to lead.  And, as for it being “gone tomorrow,” I doubt the Romneys ever will be serious contenders for food stamps.

                And one son, Matt, first said the President should release his birth certificate, ignoring that he already has, and then backtracked and said he thinks Obama “is great!”  Apparently cluelessness is hereditary.  Beldar and his Conehead family, when questioned about their origins after they make some obvious gaffe, is to say they’re “from France.” 

                Maybe the Romneys aren’t Coneheads from Remulak (or France) after all—they’re just clueless rich people from so far on the other side of the tracks they can’t even hear the train.


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